Dear Liz,
I work for a credit union. I like my job except for one thing. My own manager "Allie" is very nice.
The problem is that another manager, "Cindy," gives me a hard time for no reason. She criticizes my work and that of my coworkers. Sometimes she does it right in front of my boss Allie.
Allie doesn't say a word.
Allie is very supportive and kind, but she doesn't stand up for me or my co-workers when Cindy bashes us unfairly. We have talked to Allie about it, but she only says "Part of having a job is dealing with different kinds of people, including people like Cindy."
Cindy is a hateful, insecure person whose own employees can't stand her. The only reason Cindy comes over to our department to pick at our work is because her employees either ignore her or tell her to stuff it.
When Cindy comes over here to criticize us we try to placate her, because that's what Allie wants us to do. We explain our procedures and try to keep Cindy happy. I think it's a bad idea. It doesn't work. Sometimes Cindy even trashes Allie behind her back, or makes snide comments when Allie is standing right there. Allie doesn't respond.
This "Cindy" problem is really killing my desire to work here. I hate to quit jobs over such a stupid problem but I don't know what else to do. What do you recommend?
Thanks Liz!
Yours,
Inez
Dear Inez,
Your problem is not Cindy. Your problem is Allie.
Allie is your boss. When she sees you taking undeserved criticism, it's her job to speak up. It is not appropriate for Allie to tell you or your co-workers to put up with Cindy's abuse and try to placate her.
There is a huge difference between a strong leader and a weak, insecure manager. To be a leader, you have to use your voice. Allie is not in her leadership power yet. As nice as she is, it is very mean of her to stay silent when her team members are being mistreated by another manager.
Here are ten differences between strong leaders and weak managers:
1. Leaders don't bash and belittle people. Weak managers do, because they don't have the confidence to have an honest and compassionate conversation about problems and solutions.
2. Leaders practice and role-model leadership behaviors. Allie needs to pull Cindy aside and say "Cindy, you know your job and I've learned a lot from you. I need you to stop criticizing my employees. If you have a problem with something that happened in my department, come to me directly with it." Weak managers keep quiet when people act inappropriately at work because they're afraid to speak up. Allie is afraid to confront Cindy, although it is part of her job to do so.
3. Leaders operate in trust. Weak managers operate in fear. Allie is afraid of Cindy, but Cindy is fearful too. She has to boss you and your co-workers around to feel important. Her own employees won't take her nonsense anymore. Cindy is too fearful to acknowledge that she feels small and powerless. Sadly, Allie can't help Cindy with that problem because is afraid to name the elephant in the room — Cindy's bullying. No one is getting what they need and the issue isn't even getting aired.
4. Leaders step into scary situations. Allie is avoiding conflict with Cindy even though Cindy's behavior is hurting morale in your department — and even making you think about changing jobs. If Allie could just find enough courage to say "Cindy, that comment was unduly harsh" she would shift the energy in your workplace for the better.
5. Leaders don't let other people put them down — or put down anyone in their vicinity. Weak managers do. They pretend not to notice the bad behavior they see and hear around them because they're afraid to confront it.
6. Leaders don't yell, intimidate people or make snide comments. They encourage their employees and reinforce positive behaviors. Weak managers use the threat of force (e.g., termination) to make people bend to their will and keep them off guard.
7. Leaders are secure enough in themselves to address difficult situations forthrightly. A more confident version of Allie would say to herself "I'm going to say something to Cindy the next time she flies off the handle. She might not like it, but it's the right thing to do and in the end, Cindy will benefit from my feedback." Strong leaders feel the same fear we all feel, but they step through it. Weak managers can't do that, so they ignore difficult situations until things fall apart.
8. Leaders build trust and teamwork around them. Weak managers build fear and competition around them to preserve their puny bureaucratic power base. The only real power a weak manager has is the power of the job title somebody else bestowed on them. Real leaders have personal power. They would be powerful with or without a fancy job title.
9. Leaders take care of other people and support them, honestly and compassionately. Weak managers wield their power over other people to control them.
10. Leaders take everything in stride. They might react to a situation or event with the same fearful or even panicky emotions anyone would feel, but they don't act on those initial, panicky emotions. They take a few deep breaths, remember that we are only on this planet for a short time, and manage their way through difficult situations with grace and maturity. They keep their cool. Weak managers can't stay calm. They are always ready to pounce and find fault, because when they find fault with someone else it deflects the blame that might otherwise fall on them.
Allie needs to find her voice or she will lose you and perhaps your co-workers, too.
Allie needs to find her voice — and so do you.
Start thinking about how you will approach Allie to tell her what you need. Picture yourself telling Allie how you really feel about Cindy's bullying.
The right moment to speak will show up before you know it — maybe even a few days from now.
You: Allie, do you have a second?
Allie: Sure, Inez. What do you need?
You: I need your help dealing with Cindy. I feel like I have two managers — you, and Cindy. It's very frustrating.
Allie: Yes, Cindy can be challenging to deal with. I suggest that you just smile at her and try to make her happy.
You: Honestly Allie, that approach doesn't really work for me. Cindy is almost always wrong in her criticisms, and she's very harsh. She's not respectful. I am going to tell Cindy that it's not okay for her to talk to me the way she does.
Allie: Oh no, don't do that! Cindy will get really angry if you do that. I know her better than you do.
You: I know you do, but I have my own requirements too. I need to be treated with respect.
Allie: Well — I mean — you see how difficult she is —
You: I understand if the dynamics between you and Cindy make it hard for you to speak up when she gets so mean and unprofessional, but I need to — for my own sake. I can't let her walk on me the way she does.
Allie: Oh boy. I don't know what's going to happen if you give Cindy a piece of your mind.
You: Me neither, but the energy between us has to change. I would rather have conflict with Cindy if need be than continue to be a victim of her bullying.
Allie: Well — I understand. If I'm there at the time, I'll back you up.
End of Script
Will Allie really back you up? Only time will tell! It doesn't really matter whether she does or not.
Bullies like Cindy often back down the minute anyone challenges them. Look how Cindy's own department ignores her!
You will be the role model that Allie should be for you — and that's okay. We never know where our next lesson will come from, but it is always powerful learning!
All the best,
Liz
