One of the most common questions high-net-worth parents raise with advisors is whether they should disclose the details of their estate plan to their children.
For families with multimillion-dollar estates, the concern is real: how do you strike the balance between preparing heirs for wealth transfer and ensuring they remain motivated to pursue their own financial independence?
Take the example of Robert, who expects to leave approximately $7 million to his children, including a family home, retirement accounts, and a portfolio of shares. He plans to assist his children in purchasing property, but he worries that full transparency about his will could lead to complacency. This dilemma captures a broader issue that advisors encounter regularly: should parents talk openly about their estate, or should they keep details private until after death?
The answer, as with many planning questions, lies in balancing family dynamics, financial literacy, and long-term wealth preservation.
The Emotional Weight of Estate Conversations
For many families, estate planning discussions evoke strong emotions. Clients often associate the topic with anxiety, fear, or even guilt. Parents may hesitate to initiate conversations because they worry about sparking resentment, creating entitlement, or reducing their children’s drive to succeed.
Advisors play an important role in reframing this discussion. Estate planning is not only about transferring assets after death. It also includes preparing for end-of-life medical care, decisions around incapacity, and realistic assessments of family members’ ability to manage wealth responsibly. By guiding clients toward proactive communication, advisors can help them avoid leaving heirs unprepared during crises, such as sudden illness or death.
Families tend to handle complex financial information more effectively outside of stressful circumstances. That’s why discussing estate intentions sooner rather than later often reduces conflict and improves financial outcomes.
Why Many Families Avoid the Discussion
Clients often provide reasons for avoiding estate conversations. Common themes include:
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Concern that heirs may become dependent or entitled.
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Fear of upsetting family dynamics by disclosing unequal distributions.
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Belief that the conversation will be uncomfortable or unproductive.
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A simple lack of urgency, even for clients well into retirement.
Research supports this trend. A 2018 Wells Fargo survey revealed that many parents in their 70s and 80s had still not discussed their estate with their children, primarily because they saw no immediate need. At the same time, the 2018 Ameriprise study found that 9 out of 10 adult children who had discussed estate plans with their parents did so only after a life-altering event forced the conversation.
This highlights a key advisory opportunity: encouraging families to talk before a crisis, not after.
Confidence and Communication Go Hand in Hand
Interestingly, clients who feel more confident in their financial future are also more likely to have estate conversations. The Ameriprise study found that 62% of respondents who expressed strong confidence in their family’s financial future were those who engaged in regular conversations about retirement, inheritance, and long-term financial goals.
This suggests that reluctance to communicate may sometimes stem from insecurity about the plan itself. Advisors can help by first solidifying an estate strategy, then positioning communication as a natural extension of that confidence. When families feel prepared, they are more likely to share details with children in a constructive way.
The Case for Transparent Conversations
From an advisor’s perspective, encouraging thoughtful disclosure usually benefits both parents and children. While every family’s level of detail will vary, there are several compelling reasons to advocate for open communication:
1. Clarifying Intentions and Motivations
One of the most common sources of family disputes after death is confusion about parental intent. Probate cases often turn contentious because heirs disagree over what “Mom or Dad would have wanted.”
Consider situations such as:
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Unequal distributions among children.
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Leaving a majority of assets to charity.
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Equalizing inheritances despite vastly different financial circumstances.
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Assigning healthcare proxy or power of attorney to one child over another.
By explaining motivations during life, parents can reduce misinterpretations later. Advisors can encourage clients to frame these decisions around values, fairness, or practical considerations rather than leaving heirs to speculate.
2. Understanding Children’s Perspectives
Conversations also allow parents to hear from their children. For example, a parent might assume that a daughter who is a nurse would be the natural choice for healthcare proxy. But during discussion, she may admit that her professional experience has made her reluctant to take on that role emotionally. Her brother, with a calmer demeanor, may be better suited.
This exchange can reshape estate planning decisions to reflect both practicality and family harmony.
3. Preparing Children for End-of-Life Responsibilities
Many adult children expect to provide some level of support to aging parents, but few understand the full financial and emotional scope of those responsibilities. Parents who discuss the availability of long-term care funds, insurance coverage, and healthcare directives give their children clarity and reduce future burdens.
Advisors can position these conversations as not just about inheritance, but about realistic planning for care.
4. Coordinating Multi-Generational Planning
Estate conversations often reveal opportunities to align strategies across generations. Children may be doing their own estate or financial planning, including home purchases, retirement saving, or tax strategies.
Knowing whether they are likely to receive an inheritance—or whether funds may be needed for parental care—can dramatically alter their planning assumptions. By facilitating these conversations, advisors create continuity of planning that spans multiple generations.
5. Reducing Administrative Burdens
Even if parents choose to withhold specific numbers, they can still share critical logistical information:
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Contact details for legal and financial professionals.
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Location of wills, trusts, insurance policies, and other documents.
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Instructions for accessing digital assets.
At a minimum, this reduces the administrative chaos heirs often face after a parent’s passing.
Advisor Strategies for Guiding the Conversation
Given the sensitivity of estate discussions, advisors should approach the topic thoughtfully. Some practical strategies include:
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Start with Values, Not Numbers. Encourage clients to discuss family values, philanthropic goals, or their vision for future generations before disclosing dollar amounts. This shifts focus from entitlement to legacy.
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Facilitate a Family Meeting. Advisors can act as neutral facilitators, ensuring conversations stay productive and free from unnecessary conflict.
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Encourage Gradual Disclosure. Not all information needs to be shared at once. Clients may begin with broad strokes, then provide greater detail over time as heirs mature.
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Normalize the Discussion. By framing estate planning as an essential part of responsible financial management, advisors can help families treat it like any other financial decision rather than a taboo subject.
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Leverage Professional Networks. Attorneys, accountants, and trust officers can provide structure, reinforcing that the plan is well-considered and not simply a parental preference.
Striking the Balance
Ultimately, whether parents should reveal the details of their will depends on family dynamics, heirs’ maturity, and the complexity of the estate. Advisors should remind clients that disclosure is not an all-or-nothing decision. Families can choose partial transparency—sharing intentions, structure, and roles—without providing exact figures until later.
The overarching goal is to reduce uncertainty, minimize conflict, and prepare the next generation for the responsibilities that come with inherited wealth. For high-net-worth families, wealth transfer is not simply about passing down assets; it is about preserving family relationships, values, and financial resilience.
Takeaway for Advisors
For wealth advisors and RIAs, the key takeaway is that estate communication is as critical as the legal documents themselves. Advisors should encourage clients to view estate planning not only as a technical exercise in tax efficiency but also as a process of family education, expectation management, and relationship stewardship.
By guiding families toward open, values-driven conversations, advisors can help ensure that wealth serves as a tool for stability and opportunity rather than a source of conflict. The decision of “how much to tell the kids” is deeply personal, but the advisor’s role is to provide structure, confidence, and context so that families can navigate it wisely.
